Things Kids Say

My three-year-old daughter is convinced that she arrived in the world after being in her Papu's tummy (my dad). She is adamant that this is the way she came into the world. This makes Ella's brothers COMPLETELY dissolve into giggles. No, we all explain as we chuckle around the dinner table, you were never in Papu's tummy. You were in Mommy's tummy. But Ella declares we are gravely mistaken, and that she WAS in fact in her grandfather's tummy. 

Ella has taken to threatening me lately when she is very upset with me. Here's what she says: "Mama! If you don't ____, I'm NEVER going to wear SHOES AGAIN!"

I guess she told me.

This morning she yelled from downstairs that she needed me to come from upstairs where I was trying to fold laundry. I asked what she needed because I was busy. She just kept yelling "Mama! You better come! I need you! You better come before you run out of TIME!" in a sing-songy voice. I came downstairs to see her and the puppy wrestling over one of the boys' shirts. Pretty funny.

Aidan has a before-bedtime ritual that he very rarely changes. It involves snacks and snuggling. After dinner, Aidan says he needs either ice cream (with caramel and chocolate sauces), and/or cereal. Sometimes both, sometimes just ice cream. After he eats his snack, he asks sweetly if he can snuggle with Mommy or Daddy. Then he heads for the couch. He curls up, often with his head covered by a blankie, and if Daddy or I don't make it there within approximately 32 seconds, Aidan is off to Sleepy Land. Then we carry his warm, snoozing body up to his bed. Now that he shares a room with Ella, he does sometimes come to their room while I do bedtime books with Ella. He'll snuggle in his bed and listen to me read. Then he'll fall asleep in his cozy bed. But usually it's ice cream, couch, fall asleep.

Last night I heard Ella's demands yelled down the hallway at 3 a.m. for "MOMMY!" I went to her room and climbed in her bed with her. I fell asleep and woke up to her sweet, toddlery, fantastical chatter to herself at 6 a.m. She turned to me and said "I really love you. Now it's just us two girls in the room! Because Aidan already woke up and went downstairs." Just the way she said it was so sweet. Some things my kids say I want to remember forever. 

The other day, Alex, Ben and Jonah were out together doing some Boy Stuff. Ben accidentally called Alex "Mom," followed by "Oh, sorry. I have gender issues." So funny.

Jonah YouTubes and Googles all sorts of random things all the time. His latest interest is "Anti Jokes." Jokes that aren't really jokes. This is my favorite, delivered by Jonah with a deadpan face and dry wit: "Roses are red, violets are blue. I have Alzheimer's, cheese on toast." I just laughed so hard. He cracks me up, the way he says that joke. 

I love kids. I love the way they think, the things they say, the way they see the world. Especially at certain ages, when they think they have everything figured out and want to share all their knowledge with you. Ella will sometimes say "Can we just start the day over?" That means she wants to be little again. She wants to start over. She wants a do-over. Just the fact that my preschooler thinks this thought makes me chuckle. I hope I never forget all the funny, incredible things my kids say. 

Waiting Room Date

Another waiting room. It’s a new one at least, one we haven’t perused before. Jonah is in the process of having his neuropsychological exam, so this is our waiting room for the day. I just held Alex’s hand from across our chairs, we looked into each other’s eyes (didn’t have to dart our gaze around at various children to make sure they were safe and being appropriate in public), and said THREE whole sentences without being interrupted by a small person!! We decided we’d go to lunch with Jonah on his break, then bring him back for more testing, and Alex will go get us Starbucks as a special Waiting Room Date Treat! I’m so excited. Excited to be with Alex. And excited for caffeine. I said to Alex, isn’t it sad that these are our only dates? In waiting rooms at various therapies and hospitals? And isn’t it sad that I get so excited about caffeine and waiting room dates?

Jonah has his neuropsych exam this week over two days, then Aidan and Ben’s testing will be next week over three days. Fun times. I’m hoping we uncover some more answers to the great mysteries known as “my boys.” Alex laughs at me because I get so excited when a doctor hands me questionnaires I have to fill out about the boys, because as a social worker I used to give those all the time and it’s so fun to fill them out myself. Just to be nice, I always ask Alex if he wants to do them with me, but he knows I love doing it so he smiles as if he’s giving me a gift of diamonds and lets me have all the questionnaire fun. Love that man.

I wanted to get a great night’s sleep last night in preparation for today’s marathon of questions and doctor meetings. I tried to go to bed at a good time but my insanely ferocious allergies kept me up a long time. Finally got to sleep, only to be awoken at various times by Ben, Aidan, and Ella. Oh, and Sammy. At 4 a.m. when a certain child had peed in his bed and couldn’t get back to sleep, we discovered Sammy the hamster had escaped from her cage. There is nothing in this world that is as much fun as a 4 a.m. Sheet Change and Hamster Hunt, rolled into one. When I had finally rescued Sammy, who had climbed all two flights of stairs to join us upstairs, and returned her to her cage, and gotten snuggled back in next to Alex (and Ella between us), Ben came in and said he was STARVING. I said “Go get something to eat.” He said loudly and incredulously, “But it’s 4 AM!!” I said “Then go back to bed.” To which my darling replied, “But I’m STARVING.” We went in this circle until I finally just yelled at him to go figure it out because I had to get up in 45 min to get ready for Jonah’s neuropsych that was an hour away and we had to get all the kids ready and dropped off at the babysitter’s before that!!

I never did fall back to sleep. Hence the excitement about the caffeine.

Neuropsych exams are exhausting for all of us. There’s a 2-hour parent interview where the doctor gets all the information she needs on your child. Not to mention the mountain of forms you fill out about your child and their history and your concerns prior to even getting to the appointment. And any additional forms you get to fill out in the waiting room (hurray!) After the interview you feel like you’ve jumped on a trampoline for 2 hours. A little wiped out. And we get to do this two more times, Alex reminded me.

The kiddos are put through a battery of testing to see how their brains work, IQ, what weaknesses and strengths they may have in particular areas, whether they have any other things going on like a learning disability or ADHD or Autism. It’s intense. But it will be so good to have this testing done. Ben and Jonah had neurospychs done several years ago, so I’m anxious to see the results from this test and how things have changed, if they’ve changed at all. Aidan has never had testing done, so that will be really interesting too. I’m so anxious to see what the results uncover and whether there are new things we can try to help the boys be successful in all areas of life.

Ella was thrilled this morning because she got to go to a new babysitter’s house for the day with Ben and Aidan. The babysitter has children also, and Ella couldn’t wait to play with the girl stuff. No separation problems at all, hurray! She needed “one more huggy” at the door and then was off to play. Bless our babysitter’s heart. Taking all three kiddos who are not being tested today, feeding them, playing with them…so I can have a Waiting Room Date with my sweet hubby. I love finding little jewels of time like this- you think it’ll be boring sitting in a waiting room all day but then you realize you’re there with your best friend who you never get to spend time with AND you get to have caffeine AND uninterrupted conversation!! What! How awesome is that? That’s at least one fabulous thing about neuropsych testing.

Pockets Full of Pine Cones

Have you ever walked a puppy and a toddler? If you went any slower, you'd be going backwards. I've been trying to teach Ollie, our 4-month-old Shih Tzu puppy that when I put the leash on him, that is a sign to move his little legs, not lie down and take a nap. So Ella and I have been trying to take Ollie for walks. She takes her bike or scooter and I take Ollie and his leash. Ollie puts his leash in his mouth at an apparent attempt to help walk himself.

Originally, I had thought that with a toddler on a vehicle made for zooming, it would keep Ollie motivated to keep moving too. 

That was before I realized that my toddler and "zooming" do not go hand in hand. At least not when I want them to.

I've discovered that small humans and small dogs have the exact same attention span. About 27 seconds long. Ella and/or Ollie has to stop every square of sidewalk and pick a dandEElion (as Ella calls them). Or eat a dandelion, if you're Ollie. Luckily Ella hasn't tried to ingest any wild vegetation on our walks yet. She gives the scrunched, wilted little "flowas" to me for my hair. I am very yellow and weedy by the time we get home from a walk.

Every bug we see, we have to stop and investigate. Every blade of grass is more interesting than the last. Sometimes, gasp, there are even PUDDLES that we have to splash through one-hundred-and-twelve times each! If there's a butterfly flitting by, forget it. We just have to stop and stare for 7 solid minutes. And if there are clouds, we have to lay down on our backs and see what shapes we can find in the sky. In the middle of our walk.

Taking a "walk" with Ella and Ollie is more like an excruciatingly slow, meandering, distracted, exploration of minutiae we find on the block around us. 

At first I was getting really irritated with the two small beings. I wanted to go for a walk. I wanted to move quickly. Get this accomplished. Move on to the next part of my day. And the small beings were SO INCREDIBLY SLOW. Ella was off her scooter investigating the world more than she was on it, scooting. Ollie was lounging in the grass, eating weeds, more than his legs were moving in a forward direction. Can we just move forward for more than THREE STEPS?? We're supposed to be WALKING here, people, WALKING. Very irritating.

But then I thought about how the world must look to these two little beings. I tried to see our block through their eyes, just to understand their perspective. I realized how big the trees are that they just plop under to take a rest in the shade. I realized how tiny the roly-poly bugs are that Ella found under a rock, and how she's never seen them curl up before. I thought how both of my precious small beings are smelling, seeing, and feeling things for the very first time. Even a simple walk around the block is full of adventure and excitement for Ollie and Ella. They are both so curious, of course they both have to stop and investigate every single pine cone they find. Ella is so sweet, of course she has to move every small stick off the sidewalk for Ollie, just in case he wants to eat one and gets an owie from it. I tried to view our walk from their perspective, and I tried to be ok with slowing down a bit. I made a conscious effort to enjoy the walk through the eyes of the little ones who were with me.

Sometimes I try to see things through my kids' eyes to see what's going on with them. What they're thinking, seeing, experiencing. I'm sure they often feel that they are rushed. We have a schedule, appointments, school, whatever, and we have to GO. My kids are more the meandering type rather than the GO type. It must be hard to live in a state of feeling rushed. So sometimes I try really hard to go against every fiber of my being and slow down. I try not to rush the kids. Just let them experience life the way they want to while not being on my schedule. It's amazing what comes from letting the kids do that. You might come home with a head full of beautiful weeds and pockets full of pine cones. And a new appreciation for the huge, amazing, intriguing world around you.

Head, Shoulders, Bees and Hair Bees and Hair

My Aidan has some quirks. We all do, don't we? Some of Aidan's quirks are new and some are old. Some are things he's been struggling with since forever and some things are new challenges for him.

An old struggle is Aidan's fear of bees. Every summer for the past few years, Aidan has been terrified of every insect he sees, but mostly of bees. Since it's Bee Time again now, Aidan's therapists and I have been trying to figure out, again, new ways to help him with this phobia so that he can enjoy the summer. 

Aidan has never had a bee sting. He has never been present when anyone else has had a bee sting. He just has an ever-present fear of the pain that would accompany a bee sting, if he ever got stung. 

Another thing we're struggling with right now is the fact that periodically, Aidan feels the compulsion to cut his hair. He finds a scissors and takes a bunch of snips. Then he gets extremely upset, crying and expressing frustration over the feeling that he "needs" to cut his hair. He knows he's not in trouble when he cuts his hair, because we can tell he's really struggling with some internal demons, not trying to misbehave.

I've been trying to figure out the pattern for this behavior. All our boys have OCD, but Aidan's is the most noticeable, and impacts his life the most. Other times Aidan has had hand-washing rituals. He would have to wash his hands a certain way each time, and if he got interrupted he would get upset and have to start all over again.

I've taken all the scissors in the house and put them where Aidan cannot reach them. The other night, Aidan came downstairs and told me he needed to bring Ben a scissors upstairs. I asked what Ben needed it for. Aidan said he didn't know but Ben needed it RIGHT NOW. It sounded fishy and my Mommy Radar went off. Aidan was making eye contact and telling me adamantly that his brother needed a scissors. I asked him if he wanted the special dessert we were having now or if he wanted to take a bath now. His eyes lit up about the dessert. I yelled upstairs to Ben that if he needed a scissors, he'd have to come and get one himself. He called back that he didn't need a scissors, that Aidan wanted to cut his hair.

Aidan started getting very agitated, and started freaking out about how he needed to cut his hair. He begged to take "just a few snips." I told him matter-of-factly that we weren't doing hair cuts tonight. I got Aidan's dessert ready, and encouraged him to sit down with it and watch some SpongeBob, because, I explained, if he took his mind of cutting his hair, he would feel better. 

Luckily my plan worked. Aidan was able to calm down and move away from the need to cut his hair that night. I talked with Aidan's counselor and Occupational Therapist about these challenges Aidan is having right now to see if they could shed any light on how I can help him.

Of course my Gurus To My Children unlocked what we think may be one of the keys to Aidan's hair struggle. After we all spent some time brainstorming, the therapists said that Aidan feels like he needs his hair short in order to control his appearance, in order to make it feel "normal." He doesn't like it when his hair gets even a little bit long because then he doesn't feel like his normal self. This is one area he can try to control in what feels like an out-of-control world.

Aidan's counselor, Mr. H, is someone he has finally been able to connect with. Mr. H said that today he was talking to Aidan about his own hair and how he liked it a certain way, etc. Mr. H said Aidan just opened right up about how he sometimes cuts his hair. Usually in the bathroom. Because he likes it short. I guess Aidan was a fountain of information! My Aidan! Freely communicating! With a counselor! About his problems! Awesome. 

We're still working on the bee issue, but the therapists of course have an incredible plan for that too, and Aidan has agreed to participate in the plan, which is huge for him! 

On the drive home from Aidan's counseling tonight, I wondered what in the world families do who don't have therapists. I said yet another silent thank you prayer for our therapists, who continue to solve the mysteries my children present me with. 

Then I thought how most families don't have therapists because they don't need therapists because their kids are developing "typically." And probably they don't need to hide their scissors so their kid doesn't snip his own hair because of a compulsion. And probably most kids play freely and happily outside when it gets warm out, and don't have to hide indoors on the off chance they catch site of a flying insect.s  Hm. 

Whatever. Our family has an army of therapists, and I'm so grateful for their insight, patience, creativity, persistence and compassion every single day. Since we don't have typically developing munchkins, I'm glad we have therapists. 

Hopefully we're on our way to conquering our issues with bees and hair.

Ollie

A couple weeks ago, our Sunday was such a great day. There are not many days when I can say that an entire day was great, but that day was one of them! The whole day-- great. 

On Sunday two out of the three boys agreed to haircuts. Great!

On Sunday I bought paint AND was able to paint Jonah's room a beautiful blue that he picked out. Great!

On Sunday we met our Ollie. We've been searching for Our Dog for so long, and we know Ollie is It. He is a two-month-old Shih Tzu puppy, who is the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. He's like a little walking Ewok teddy bear. He has the sweetest personality. He loves to be snuggled, but will just as happily rest alone in his little puppy bed. He is so little that no one is scared or intimidated by his size. Even Ella has wants to hold him! Shocker! I'm not having any allergic symptoms because he has hair instead of fur. No one has had a meltdown because of barking because Ollie doesn't bark! Unless he wants to play. He did whine a little on the ride home because he wasn't sure about his crate, but then he just quieted down and relaxed. Sheesh! We've never had such a great, stress- free First Day Of Puppy Ownership!

Jonah is in heaven. In fact all the kids are just so happy with their new Ollie. Ella said this afternoon that she was going to ride her bike. I said she needed to stay on our driveway. She said ok, she was just going to follow "her boys" who were outside too. I said "your boys?" She said "Yeah, Jonah, Aidan, Ben and Ollie. My boys." She always calls her brothers her boys, but now Ollie apparently has joined the crew. 

Ollie is the only one who can get Aidan to willingly stop playing computer games. Ollie will pester Aidan until Aidan looks up, smiles, and says "Aww, Ollie, do you want to play with me?" And then the two of them are off on a puppy-boy adventure. It's awesome.

Ollie is so snuggly, he will let anyone hold him anytime. He doesn't wiggle, doesn't whine. A couple times on Sunday Jonah held Ollie while Ollie napped, and Jonah just pet him and smiled quietly. Obviously outrageously content. I knew once we found Our Dog that this is how it could be. That Jonah would be so content. It's great to see our boy, who is so frequently irritated and agitated, sitting calmly, just happy.

Aidan, Ben and Ella are tickled pink with Ollie too. We've spent a lot of time playing with him in the back yard. The grass is almost taller than him, on his 2-inch little legs. He has to sort of hop around, he's too little to even run. He is playful and curious, and very sweet. Aidan looked at me on Sunday at one point, with the BIGGEST smile on his face ever, and, with eye contact (!) said "Mom. I am SO happy we got Ollie today." Ahhh, love it. Everyone is happy. Ella keeps saying "Where's our doggie? I want to play with our doggie. I'm happy we got our doggie. He's a KEEPER."

There has only been one small snafu with our Ollie. Ella is very perturbed that we couldn't buy the pink leash, pink collar, pink doggie bed, pink blanket, and pink food bowls. AND she's very upset because she wanted to name our new puppy "Sugar" (which she pronounces 'Soogar' because we're still working on the 'sh' sound in speech therapy). Or "Donut." She insisted that the dog is a GIRL and the dog's name is Sugar. Or Donut. So we compromised. We told her the puppy can be called "Ollie Sugar Newsom." Sugar can be his middle name, like Marie is Ella's middle name. Ella reluctantly agreed to this. Maybe we can tackle the whole "I want Ollie to be a girl" issue a different day. At least we agreed on his name.

Of course there is the extra work of puppyhood now, cleaning up accidents and things like that. But little Ollie is a great addition to the family. And it's wonderful to see my kids light up about something. It's fun to spend time as a family, playing with our new dog together. It's great to know that no one is freaking out because of sensory overload from the new addition to our family. Now the kids have a good reason to be up even before their normal wake up time of the crack of dawn. They have a puppy to feed and take out and play with! 

Sunday was a great day. It is great to see my sweet kids so happy. Welcome home, Ollie.

Community of Mamas

Our community suffered a terrible tragedy last week. Anna Harvey, a single mother, was killed by a car while riding her bike home on her birthday. She has two daughters, a 4th grader and a 1st grader. Aidan was in the same class as Anna's daughter last year. Anna and I have crossed paths many times over the past few years- at the park with our kids, at birthday parties, at school events...I didn't know her well, but I knew enough to be deeply affected by this loss.

The thing that is the hardest for me to comprehend is how these two little girls no longer have their Mama to share their days with. This hits close to home. We see tragedies on the news about Sandy Hook, or women being kidnapped and held hostage for a decade, or devastating tsunamis and earthquakes. And each time a tragedy happens, I'm deeply affected. I've always been this way, even as a kid, where the pain that others are experiencing a world away is palpable. But when a tragedy happens in my own community, of course it's even harder to deal with. 

I've been trying to think of ways I can help Anna's little girls. Nothing will bring their Mama back to them, but I wish I could just hug them and never let go. I want them to know they are loved by this community. They are being held up by all the Mamas in this community (and the Daddies too). This Community of Mamas will always be watching out for these girls. The girls will not know all of us, but we know them, and we will be watching out for them, in case there is even a chance we can ever make their lives just a little more peaceful or comfortable.

Because the bottom line is, this can happen to any of us. We could be doing the most usual, unsurprising thing, and the next second just be gone. You never know when your time will come. And if my time came too early, I would want this Community of Mamas watching out for my kids. I would want them to be sending love and prayers through ESP to my children. My community is small and constant. Everyone knows everyone, and wherever I go I run into friends. I love it here. I love that all the Mamas know my kids, and would help them if they ever needed it.

My sweet friend, who has a heart bigger than our solar system, has thought of a way to make a difference for Anna's girls on Mother's Day, and to let them know that there are so many people supporting them. My friend is organizing a gift to bring to Anna's home the morning of Mother's Day, which she will leave on the porch anonymously. She has contacted all the mothers she knows who would be involved in Anna's kids' lives, asking if anyone wants to donate anything for the gift. You should have seen the Facebook messages flying the past few days. Every Mama wants to help. Every Mama wants Anna's girls to know they are not alone, even though their Mama is their Angel now. My friend's home is likely to be filled to the brim with donations from this Community of Mamas.

I went to Hallmark this morning, on a mission to find something that would be just right to donate for this Mother's Day gift. The two dear Hallmark Helpers who were working today had no idea what an emotional mess was walking through their door at 10:17 a.m. The darn ladies kept harassing me with kindness, in true Hallmark fashion- asking me if they could help me find anything, asking what I was looking for in particular...

As I was looking around, I began to think what a terrible, horrible mission I was on. I was looking for a gift for two little girls whose Mama has died, so that they would know they are not alone on Mother's Day. How do you explain that one flippantly to a Hallmark Helper? I started feeling more and more emotional. 

Finally, I told one of the Hallmark Helpers that I could not tell her what I was looking for because if I did, I would cry. But then I started crying just telling her that. So through my sobs (Literally. Sobbing in the middle of Hallmark. In my family they are known as Daddy Sobs- because my dad and I sob the same way: the sob grabs us and comes all the way from our toes out to gulping, gasping fits of tears. A teeny bit embarrassing, but I had no control over it at that point.), I told her about my terrible mission. I didn't even know Anna that well, but this has affected me so deeply because I think of my children, and her children, and I cannot imagine their pain right now, and I do not ever wish any child to have to feel that kind of pain. 

The Hallmark Helpers were great. They gave me hugs to stop my sobbing (but couldn't stop the tears from leaking down my cheeks, no matter how sweet the ladies were), and showed me some different options for my gift. I think Hallmark must do some therapeutic training for all their employees, in case someone comes into the store in a fragile emotional state and breaks down. Because these ladies handled my Crazy with gentleness and finesse. They deserve a raise. 

I left with what I hope will be a little something that can help Anna's girls remember her. Nothing will fill this void for them, but it's just the least I can do as part of this Community of Mamas. Thank you to my amazing friend who thought of it. 

I've been hugging my kids extra long this past week. They're just so small and fragile and wonderful. And life is so unpredictable and difficult sometimes. I want to shield my kids from every heartache. Every Mama wants to do that for her children. And if anything were to happen to me while my children are small, I am thankful that I live in this Community of Mamas, where friends want to help each other, and they care about each other, and want to make a difference for each other. I'm proud to be a member of this Community of Mamas. I'm going to be sending prayers and love to Anna's girls every day. I know they will see their Mama Angel again someday, and until then, they can count on this Community of Mamas to be there for them.

Ellie's Swallow

Isn’t it funny how certain sounds can bring memories rushing back? A certain smell or sound can hand you a memory you’d long forgotten. Sometimes the funniest, most random things jolt a memory for me. Here’s one of those random things.

I met my best friend when I was about 8 years old. She was a missionary kid from Denmark and her family came to our mission in Africa when we were both in about 3^rd grade. Ellie is the opposite of me in many ways: she is slender, graceful, and blonde. She has the best laugh in the world. She is hilarious, generous, and has such a sensitive, good spirit. She makes the world brighter everywhere she goes. She is an inspiration, she is courageous, she is amazing. She’s still my best friend.

Ellie lives about a trillion miles away from where I do now. We have very separate lives. We rarely see each other, rarely communicate other than the occasional email or facebook post because when it is evening where Ellie is and there is peace at her house, my house is bustling with Kid Energy and noise- homework, after school activities, friends in the backyard.

But there is something between good friends that is just there, it never changes. I think about Ellie all the time. I wonder how her family is, what she is doing right now…and I know that whenever we see each other again, we will pick up right where we left off a couple years ago when we got together. There’s something magical about a friend like Ellie. No matter how much time or distance is between us, we just are meant to be friends, and that’s the way it will always be.

Our time together in Africa, at boarding school especially, will always tie us together. When I think of my childhood, Ellie is a huge part of it. She is in most of my memories. I remember when she first came to our mission, she didn’t speak much English and I certainly didn’t speak any Danish, but we were meant to be kindred spirits and we made it work. We used to sit in the tree out by the clothesline, seeking refuge from the hot Sahara sun, and sing all the songs we knew. I’m sure everyone in a 2-mile radius appreciated that. We made up our own language. We traded stickers. We got each other through homesickness and childhood scrapes. We were, and are, sisters. We have so much in common, as far as personality and soul, there was surely a reason we were put together on the African continent so many years ago.

I go to the chiropractor a couple times a month for help with chronic neck and shoulder pain (due to stress- can’t imagine why I’d have any stress in my life!). My favorite massage therapist looks a lot like Ellie. She is from Europe, and is petite and blonde. And she has fingers of steel that untwist all my pain. But the thing I love about her most is the sound she makes when she swallows. Whenever she swallows, it’s just like Ellie is right there with me, because it sounds exactly like Ellie’s swallow. These two little women do not make crazy-loud-hippopotamus swallow sounds, by any means. But there is something about the way they both delicately swallow that is identical. So every time I see this massage therapist, I not only have my pain taken away physically, but I also feel close to Ellie during that 45 minutes because I close my eyes, remember the sound of being with her, and think about all our amazing memories.

Isn’t that funny? That the way someone swallows can bring me back to all my memories with my best friend. It comforts me that I can find a time and place to hold Ellie close to my heart. A time and place where my best friend doesn’t seem so far away.