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Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Looking For Magic

I’m sitting with Ella curled on my lap, her limbs shaking hot with fever. Her choked moans break through her soft snores, showing me how terrible she feels. I was just holding the cold metal Vomit Bowl for her as she threw up. Meanwhile, Alex is slogging through math homework in the other room with Aidan. Alex is infinitely patient, redirecting his boy, refocusing him repeatedly, re-teaching him the skills he missed during class today because his brain was focused somewhere else. And the two older boys are having a big hissy-fit-twin-brother-war upstairs. I hear things being thrown in my bedroom, crashing, accusing screams, swearing. In the midst of this familiar chaos, my phone dings with a text from my love, asking me what I want for dinner. This is how we communicate in the evenings- by text. Sad, right? But when there are four needy little beings and only two grown-ups to love on them, we’re spread thin and have to do what we have to do. So texting about dinner while I hold a vomitacious girl and two boys are probably bleeding from anger upstairs and one boy has no clue what the Distributive Property is…it’ll do.

Welcome to my Wednesday.

It’s been a very long day of advocating, chauffeuring kids from dawn until dusk, trying to get some work done…all the while not feeling well myself. It’s been an uber-stressful week, one where I feel my body ready to give out at any moment from the sheer mountain of stress I’ve been climbing the last few days. Any moment, my body will erupt into fever, or bust out a cold sore, or crash into migraine. My body breaks sometimes under the constant, unforgiving stress of living this particular life of mine.

As I carried Ella gently to her bed tonight, swaddled in a soft blanket because she is endlessly chilled from her fever, my weary heart smiled as I enter her room. There are glittery star sparkles all over her carpet. The stars are starting to sneak their way into the rest of the house now, I found one on the stairs on the way down, and one on my foot while sitting here writing. The remnants of the Tooth Fairy who visited Ella for the first time two nights ago. Ella, at LONG last, had her first visit from the Fairy. And she was overcome with joy. She woke in the morning to find the tiny fairy’s glittery footprints on her nightstand. Star glitter in a trail from the window sill all the way around her room to her bed. Under her pillow there was more glitter, a sparkly dollar bill, and a sweet little glitter lipstick wrapped with a pink ribbon. The Fairy had written Ella a special note on a teensy, fairy-sized pad of paper. Ella read the note in the morning with a hushed, awed voice. The Tooth Fairy said her tooth was beautiful, that she brushes her teeth so well, and that she loves Ella. Ella squealed with delight. She informed me we are never to vacuum her room again. She must have the glitter in her room at all times. Forever and ever. And the Tooth Fairy is the BEST. And she can’t BELIEVE she FINALLY lost her tooth! And she loves the Tooth Fairy. And the Tooth Fairy is the BEST. Pure magic, that girl. Pure joy and magic.

So I’m ok with the star glitter finding its way into other parts of the house, other parts of my life. When I watch one of my boys having a meltdown, the tiny pink star glinting on the floor reminds me this tough moment will be over soon and then we’ll be back to looking for magic.

The day started with an epic, albeit typical, meltdown on the way to bring Ben and Jonah to school. Someone had forgotten something at home that he felt was necessary to his mere survival, and Mean Mama wouldn’t turn the car around and bring him home to get it. Because then we would be late to school. And in reality, the forgotten item was not a necessity. So we soldiered on through the meltdown. Our meltdowns are farther apart and fewer these days. Ben is enthralled with high school. He loves almost every single thing about it. He has good grades, he is involved in everything and anything that comes his way, he thinks his teachers are kind and hilarious. He’s thriving. This happiness is carrying over to our home also. He is less angry. Less frustrated. Less irritated. Which means things tend to run a little more smoothly around here. Thank the sweet Lord in Heaven. I said to Ben the other day, “Can you believe that YOU are my child who is THRIVING in SCHOOL??? What?!? YOU, buddy!! I’m so proud of you!” He is proud of himself, which is heaps and heaps better than even Mama being proud of him. He went to the Homecoming dance with a group of friends. He went to a sleep over at a friend’s house afterwards and didn’t have anxiety!! Who is this kid? I feel like he’s finally finding his groove, finding his way in life. I said to Alex the other night that although Ben is almost solely responsible for his incredible transformation these past few months, we should pat ourselves on the back too. Because the biggest influence in a kid’s life is their parents. And wow, have we put our heads down and fought for Ben these past 14 years. We’ve fought hard. We’ve broken under the stress of the fight at times, but we kept digging and advocating and helping and supporting and loving, and we kept fighting for him. And just look at him right now. Unbelievable. There certainly is magic in this world, and its name is Ben. (With a teeny bit of help from Mama and Daddy.) Do I worry and wait for the other shoe to drop and things to take a dip back to the tough side? Yep. But I try to relegate that to the back of my heart. Stay back there, Worry. Just cherish these beautiful moments of success. Worry can wait. We may not even need Worry anymore. Or at least not right now.

Jonah is going to school for six out of eight periods a day this week! Amazing. He had his last tutor come to the house yesterday. Next week he’ll be back full time if everything goes according to plan. When I pick him up from school, he’s spent. He’s tired. But I can tell he’s proud of himself and feels a sense of accomplishment. He’s doing it. He’s kicking his Anxiety in the butt every morning at 5:45 and getting out of bed and doing what needs to be done. His medical issues are improving and he’s able to handle life better these days. His choir sang the National Anthem at the Homecoming football game last weekend. It was one of those moments where my Mama Heart was completely busting out of my chest. I was so. proud. of. my. boy. My little boy, standing out on the football field with his choir, making beautiful music. My boy, handling new experiences and handling them well. That’s my boy. That’s my beautiful, brave boy.

My beautiful, brave boy pops in the car when I pick him up, and I gingerly ask how his day was. I’m afraid to ask because I’m afraid of the answers. But I pretend to face this life boldly, so that my children don’t feel fear. So they are bold. Hopefully I fake it ok. I put up my Mama Shield and ask my boy how his day was, how his new classes that he added this week went. I hope I don’t crumple with my own tears at his answers. But he carries on, each day. He boldly puts one foot in front of the other and carries on.

Jonah didn’t go to the Homecoming dance, but did go to the sleepover at a friend’s house with Ben after the Homecoming dance. Jonah knows himself well, and knew he would be overwhelmed at the dance. I’m proud of him for knowing how to make himself happy. You find out quickly when you have twins that what makes one guy happy may not be right for the other guy. Even though they’re twins, they are two distinct people. The trick to parenting these two distinct people who were born on the same day, a mere four minutes apart, is to remember that it’s ok for them not to be exactly the same. It’s ok to be happy for Ben that he wants to go to a dance and happy for Jonah that he waited at home until the dance was over and then went to his friend’s house. It’s a hard lesson that I’m still working on, but I’m getting there. It takes practice to divide your heart into four little compartments for your four little people, and love unconditionally and enormously from each of those parts.

Aidan is a hot mess. But the good news is that he’s still Captain Oblivious, so he really doesn’t grasp the full extent to which he is floundering in school. That is truly a gift. It does register to him on some level that he is not succeeding with the ease that his peers do. He says things like he is stupid, dumb, he doesn’t know anything. Talk about tearing his Mama’s soul to shreds. The biggest problem is that Aidan’s brain just works differently than what a school typically expects. Aidan marches to his own drummer, and is a beautiful soul because of it. His weakness is that he is good. He is so good, down to his very bones. He wants to be good, he wants people to love and accept him, he wants to never do anything wrong or disappoint anyone. And when you’re a round peg and the world is trying to jam you into a square hole, things don’t exactly go smoothly. You start to realize that you don’t have the sharp edges the rest of the world has, that fit exactly into that square hole for so many other people. You begin to realize that your smooth sides and colorful exuberance for life are not what is valued. That’s a sad realization, and it’s one that can change your very existence if you sit and stew in that knowledge. I don’t want Aidan to be changed by the world’s expectations that he cannot meet because of his genetics and neurology. He is so beautifully him.

So advocating I am doing. On and on with the advocating. It’s so maddeningly difficult to get the world to understand the nuances of these invisible disabilities. There’s a diagram explaining Tourette Syndrome that likens it to an ice berg. Above the water, what is visible, are things like tics, lack of focus…things people can recognize. Hidden under the disguise of the water, the ice berg is a monster. It looms with all kinds of things that are hidden deep in the brain that are not available for people to easily see and understand. Things like sleep disorders, sensory issues, mood issues, anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, learning disabilities…all of these things are smoldering around in one body, one brain. It’s incredible that people with special needs like these can function at all, let alone do so relatively well. It’s just extremely difficult to help people understand that the reason my son acts a certain way- like for instance always struggles with homework: bringing it home, doing it, turning it back in- that’s not because he’s not motivated to succeed. He desperately wants to succeed. Instead it’s that he doesn’t have the skills to succeed. He needs to be taught, in a different way from his peers, how to do those things. Many kids can pretty easily pick up on how to organize themselves in school. Other kids, like all of mine, need to be taught in a more purposeful manner.

We’re meeting with the school soon to “brainstorm” about ways to help Aidan succeed. I’m all for brainstorming. I’m willing and eager to do anything and everything on my end to help my kiddo. But, there’s a time for brainstorming and there’s a time for just storming. Storming the castle, taking no prisoners, making it happen and not just talking about it anymore. I feel like I’ve spent the past three years brainstorming on Aidan’s behalf, and we’ve made no real progress. And now I’ve witnessed what can happen when a gentle soul doesn’t get the help he needs in school, or gets it way too late. I’ve seen firsthand these past few months how that can cause a build-up of stress, anxiety, fear, and an inability to function. It can even bring on physical, medical issues. So as long as I’m alive and kicking, we will not be doing this again with another kid, where he falls into such an abyss that it takes months of extreme support in order to get him back into living Life. I’m willing to give brainstorming one last shot, but then I’m out. Brainstorming Time is done. We need some major action now before my little boy follows in his big brother’s difficult footsteps.

And then there’s little Miss Ella. We went to the play at the high school a couple weeks ago. It was “Peter and Wendy,” a take on Peter Pan. There were there actors that played the role of Peter, only one of which was a boy. During the play, Ella had to go potty. When we got into the bathroom, she held my hand and whispered, “I saw Peter! He was in the hallway! He smiled at YOU, not FAIR!” I laughed. After the play, the actors lined the hall and gave the audience high fives as they exited the auditorium. We got to the main doors to leave for the night, when Ella insisted that I take her all the way back to the auditorium so that she could give Peter a high five. It was so adorable, it melted my heart. But wait, it gets better. I found Peter. I picked Ella up because Peter was very tall and I knew Ella wanted to look him square in the eyes. I asked Peter if he would give Ella a high five. Of course, he smiled and gave her a high five, and took a moment to talk to her. As she looked at him, speechless with wonder, I swear, she blushed. It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. But wait, it gets better. On the way out to the car, Ella was positively giddy. She was gushing about the play, about her favorite Peter. She climbed in her carseat and I buckled her up. As we pulled out of the parking lot, Ella was holding her hand that touched Peter’s in front of her. She sighed and announced, “I am never, ever, ever washing this hand again. I’m not even going to ever SWIM with this hand again.” This girl. She is pure magic.

I took Ella to a friend’s birthday party last weekend. It was pretty far away, and on the way home she had to stop and go potty. I pulled into a gas station and we found the bathroom. Why do my children take SOOOOO LOOONG to go to the bathroom? They can’t even focus on doing that! So Ella is sitting on the pot, dawdling as usual. It was raining outside, we’d been at a pumpkin patch for a lovely- although soggy- party, we still had a ways to go to get home, we were down to one car because Alex’s was in the shop being fixed, I had to get groceries for the week, I had to make sure everyone got showered and finished their homework before bedtime…I was stressed. Impatiently, I urged Ella to hurry up. I told her desperately, “Please try to concentrate on going potty.” Ella put her head in her little hands and mumbled to herself, “Ok…don’t think about unicorns…” oh my gosh, I can’t even. This little piece of magical perfection. She spreads little pieces of starry glitter wherever she goes.

So here I sit. Stars of glitter on my feet, laundry spread across the room waiting to find its home upstairs, listening for the sound of my baby in case she throws up again, thankful that the Tantrum Clan is asleep. This crazy, chaotic, magical life. Tonight I’m grateful for the glitter that is randomly strewn across my house, as a reminder that even when the days are long and I am weary, it’s all worth it. There’s still a tiny bit of magic in between the moments of stress.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Parenting is like Olympic Diving...

We had to make an early-morning drive to drop Daddy off at work because the van was being fixed. My newly-minted, just-turned-7, pj-clad daughter sat in the backseat of Daddy’s car in her pink booster seat, munching on Munchkins from Dunkin’ Donuts while she pondered life.  She piped up, “No one likes me. Everyone hates me.”

*sigh* I hadn’t had any caffeine yet, and I had to break out my best Social Worker self to deal with this mini crisis. Without caffeine. Why can’t kids have crises when I’m fully caffeinated and running on full brain function?

Whenever my kids say things like this, I feel like someone has punched me in the gut. My number one skill, after all these years of parenting, is triage. I do triage in so many forms, in so many situations, for so many kids, all day long, every day. Assess, plan, and go. I assess every situation and -as fast as I can- try to figure out what needs to be done to help. When a kiddo falls outside, I scan knees, hands, elbows to check for bleeding, bumps and bruises, or a broken bone. When a kiddo screams, I run to see if there are swear words being thrown, or punches, or body parts being strewn across the room. When a kid says he wants to stay after school for an activity, (that day, and he needs to know RIGHT NOW, and he can’t remember to plan ahead and tell me about these things in advance) I quickly think about our schedule to see if there’s any way we can swing another pickup into the afternoon. It’s all about multi-tasking and triage. Quickly assess any situation and figure out the next step to get to the goal.

So when my sweet little baby says out loud that she feels like no one likes her, I race to remember the past 24 hours. Has anything happened with friends or brothers to make her feel unloved, unappreciated, unwanted? Is this statement a hint of a bigger, overall self-esteem problem, or is just a whimsical statement by a bored little girl in the backseat? Does she want my conversation and attention, and help, or does she just feel like venting?

I ask my angel why she feels no one likes her. She goes on to explain things that have happened that have hurt her feelings. She says she doesn’t have friends who like her. She says people don’t want to play with her sometimes. She feels sad. I reassure her that she is a good, kind person, with a true, honest heart. Yes, sometimes everyone makes mistakes or hurts a friend’s feelings, but overall, I am so proud of who my daughter is. She is compassionate and kind. Perfect? Who is? But her spirit is so good.

I asked my girl last week who she sat by at lunch at school that day. She said she sat by the mean boy. I said if he’s mean to you, what can you do? Maybe sit by someone else, or tell him in a respectful way not to talk to you with mean words…

My little girl said, “Well, I could have moved. But I was already sitting when the boy sat by me, and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He wasn’t mean to me at lunch, so it was ok.”

When I open my front door every day and let my kids out into the world to spread their little wings, it’s with a silent prayer on my lips that my children will do their part to make the world a little softer, a little kinder, a little more loving and lovely. I don’t know each happening in their days, each word exchanged with other kids, whether they roll their eyes at teachers or say mean things to others. But I hope that we have filled them so full of love at home that it just comes tumbling out when they’re in the world, and that there is very little room for hurtful mean things to find their way through that overpowering love.

In the car, talking with my little girl who was having “a moment,” I told her how so many mama’s and daddies tell me that they love it when my girl plays with their kids, because she is kind. She plays nicely and is patient and sweet. Of course we all have our moments--angry moments, crabby, irritated. But overall, the mama’s and daddies and teachers and coaches and therapists say that my girl is someone they want their kids to be around. Which makes me so proud of my girl.

I pause during my Reinforcement of Self Esteem Speech to make sure my girl has time to talk more if she needs to. So that she has the space to let her feelings out and feel heard. So that she knows she is important to me.

There is silence in the back seat. Then I hear, “I wonder what color my spit is, because I’m eating lots of colors of sprinkles so my spit is probably lots of colors too.”

Really? This is the response I get to a well-crafted argument about why my daughter rocks the Universe? This is the thanks I get for having given her my best Psych major, Master’s of Social Work advice and reassurance, all while un-caffeinated? Really? “Spit” is what we’re thinking about now??

Kids. Hilarious. I’ve realized lately how different Big Kid Parenthood is from what you might envision when you have tiny babies snuggling on your shoulder. There are so many times when I have to figure out how I’m going to handle a situation, and depending on my response I can either make it a truly awesome, teachable moment, or let the instance pass unnoticed and unremarkable, possibly losing forever that one tiny chance to teach my kiddo something invaluable. In these situations, I do triage. I figure out if I am brave enough to get out of my own comfort zone and teach my kid, help my kid, confront life with my kid.

Sometimes I REALLY have to get out of my own comfort zone. Like when we’re driving—ok wait a second, side bar. All our family’s Important Life Talks happen in the car! No joke! It’s the perfect place to talk with your kids because they don’t have to look at you when you’re saying things that are embarrassing and uncomfortable. You don’t have to look at them when THEY’RE saying things you can’t believe they’re old enough to be thinking about. They can pretend to listen if they’re not, and they can pretend not to listen even when they are-- which is what happens most of the time. I think cars were invented just so parents and kids would have a safe place to talk about awkward stuff in a neutral setting. Love it. Thank you to whoever invented cars for giving my family a place to hash out the tough stuff.

Here’s the important thing about all things parent-y. If you don’t teach your kids your beliefs, your views, your opinions, someone else will. And then you only have yourself to blame when the world has led your kiddo down a path you would not have chosen for them but were too uninvolved or disengaged or fearful to teach them about. So when the opportunity arises to share with my kids my views and opinions and outlook, I always take it. Always. Even if I don’t feel like it or I’m too tired or under-caffeinated or I feel silly talking about it. I always lunge at that opportunity and grab it with both hands.

Our family is open about everything. If a kid has a question or wants to talk about something, we talk about it. Nothing is off limits and nothing is ridiculed. Like when my teenaged boy and I were driving (see? thank you again, oh inventor or vehicles) recently and we got on the topic of sex. I have explained to my boys what our beliefs are. I’ve talked with them about responsibility and respect and doing the right thing. I’ve told them as they are running out the door to a dance—“No sex, no drugs, no alcohol, no no no…” because if I don’t tell them, they won’t know what I think and when they’re presented with a tough situation, my Mama Voice won’t be in their head somewhere and they won’t know how to navigate. Granted, my nagging Mama Voice can’t keep all the bad things and bad choices from hurting my kids, but at least I’ve done all I can to help them steer toward the good in life. That day in the car, my boy talked about abortion. I told him how I feel about that issue. I told him why.

Now he has my Mama Voice in his heart, with the information I’ve passed to him. He can make that a piece of who he is or he can choose a different opinion, but now he knows what Mama thinks. Just like he knows that I think people should be able to get married, no matter who they are marrying. And that the issue about who should use which bathroom is ridiculous- we’ve all used port-a-potties for how long and those are unisex bathrooms! And my feelings about spirituality. And how I feel about pumpkin spice lattes. And my best friend. And Reiki. And baked goods. And helping people in any way you can any time you can.

This is just part of the conversation of our family. We share these things with our kids so they can be well-rounded, kind, beautiful humans as they move through the world. So that they can hopefully leave the world better than they found it. Is it always the perfect time to have these tough talks with my kids? Am I always in the perfect mood for it? Do I always have the perfect words? Nope, nope, and nope. But just like all the other Mama’s (and Daddies) out there, I do the best I can. I take a deep breath and I take a leap of faith and I do the best I can to teach my kids the best I know. With the goal always being to be kind, be good, be loving, even in hard situations. Sometimes the talks are long and intense, sometimes the talks are interrupted by thoughts of multi-colored spit. (One of the many unusual joys of loving kids who have attention issues.) Regardless, I’m jumping in to those opportunities like a diver jumping off an Olympic diving board: with my lungs filled with a deep breath, my eyes wide with anticipation of the free-fall feeling, and a mixture of terror and excitement in my heart. Will I flop at this important parenting moment? Quite possibly. Will it be perfect? Maybe. Will it be the best I can do at that moment, in that situation, with what I have? Absolutely. All I can do is show up, grab the opportunity, and take a leap into life with my kids.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Different Paths

Sometimes having twins can rip your heart right out of your chest and break it in two. Torn in two separate directions, hoping each boy will find his own way, no matter how he gets there.

Jonah will not be riding the bus to his first day of high school this week with his brother and his friends. Since the middle of June, Jonah has been dealing with some medical issues that are making it difficult for him to function with normal daily life. It is nothing contagious, and not life-threatening, but something that is really putting the brakes on his life. We don't want to make him feel uncomfortable by telling the whole world what specifically is going on, but this is a big deal. He has suffered all summer, not being able to fully participate in fun things, family things, highschool freshman things. It's been excruciating to watch. We don't know exactly what is happening in Jonah's body, and so far we've been to three doctors to help us figure it out. This past week, the day Jonah and Ben turned 14, actually, we saw a specialist. He had some concrete ideas of what could be happening in Jonah's body, and some medicine to try, and some tests to run. We are hopeful this doctor will be able to turn things around for Jonah.

Jonah's problems started half way through summer school in June. I ended up driving him and Ben to and from school each day, to ease Jonah's anxiety and make it easier for him to function. It became clear that this was a big problem, so we went to the doctor. Originally, the doctor said Jonah's issues would pass on their own. Wait it out. We did. It didn't pass. We tried some medication, some over the counter meds, some other things...nothing helped. 

Last week, the boys had Freshman Orientation for one morning. I drove the boys to and from school, again, to help Jonah as much as I could. When I picked the boys up after orientation, Jonah got in the car and exploded. He was so frustrated with the situation, with his medical problems. He didn't know how in the world he was going to be able to go to school the following week. He was a mess. Friends had noticed some of Jonah's unusual behavior and had asked Ben about it. Ben wasn't equipped to field questions about his twin, so he told them the truth about Jonah's medical situation. Jonah was embarrassed and angry with Ben. I realized I needed to educate Ben on how to talk about what is going on with Jonah, and to help him preserve Jonah's privacy and integrity. He has now been educated, Mama Style.

Over the past few weeks, I have been constantly trying to figure out what is going on with Jonah and how to help him. Anxiety can be a powerful thing, is it just anxiety about starting high school? But the problems started in the middle of summer school, when he was comfortable and acclimated to the newness of his new school. So I wasn't sold on the theory that this is all anxiety-based. It could be partly due to his diagnosis of Tourette's Syndrome. But the meds the doctor prescribed, having assumed this is what the problem is, did nothing to help Jonah. I worried all summer about what we would do when school started. Would Jonah snap out of this problem? Would it disappear as quickly as it appeared out of nowhere in June? Would I have to home school? The kids and I agree that although home schooling would help alleviate their anxiety, no one would make it out alive. We are not made to teach and learn a curriculum together, as mother and children. I can teach them a host of other Life Things, but not School Things. I just am not made for that. I can't even get them to do homework. How would I teach them a whole grade?? Not gonna happen. 

My worries grew.

After orientation, I realized we needed help. I called our educational advocate, explained the situation, and asked her what our options were. She said the best option was homebound tutoring. She explained that we would need a letter from the doctor, stating Jonah can not attend school due to his current medical condition. A teacher would come to our home every school day for an hour and teach Jonah some of what his peers are learning. After talking with Alex and Jonah AND the doctor, we decided this was the best plan of action. 

I was shaking during the whole process of figuring this out. I was devastated, thinking of one of my boys taking the bus on the first day of his freshman year of high school, and the other one waiting at home for a tutor. When you have twins, especially of the same gender, you sort of expect their life paths to be pretty congruent. You expect them to be in the same grade, go to the same school, graduate at the same time. I expected that in about four years, their life paths may wind away from each other a little bit more, but that's fine. That's when they should have their own lives, independence. Independence from their parents, and more separation from each other if that's what they want. But right now, they're both supposed to go out on our front porch in three days and have me take a million pictures of them because it's their first day and let me hug them and try not to be embarrassed as I run after the bus in my pj's, waving and screaming "I LOVE YOU!!!" at the top of my lungs. That's what I expected to happen. Not trying to get a doctor, who is of course on vacation, to fill out a form for the school so that one of my boys can have school at home because he is in such bad shape that he can't even go to school right now. That's major. 

He can't even go to school right now.

That shook me to my core. You can't ever take anything for granted. You can't expect that just because you have two beautiful babies at once, that they are always going to be on the same healthy, happy path until they leave for college. Sometimes crazy stuff happens. 

I went to the parent orientation at the high school last week, and it was tough. It was so difficult to sit in an auditorium full of parents whose kids were not going through what one of mine is. It was difficult to sit there and be happy for Ben and devastated for Jonah, not knowing what the next weeks will hold for him. It was hard to see friends and know that so many other families are feeling only the butterflies of a new beginning, not an ache in their hearts for what isn't beginning the way they thought it would.

I will say, our new high school has been amazing through all of this. I am so excited for the boys to get to go to this high school. The school has been supportive and informative and helpful through this whole process. We're hoping that after some more evaluation and testing, we can figure out what is wrong with Jonah and get him back into the life he is supposed to be living as a 14-year-old. 

The other issue we now have is explaining to the other three kiddos why Jonah gets to stay home from school while they all have to go. Ben completely understands. He is supportive of Jonah, and while he's sad that his summer is almost over, he is ready for the challenge and excitement of high school. Aidan and Ella don't understand what will be happening yet, but they will be furious because they will think Jonah is staying home to play video games while they have to go to school. I have informed Jonah that he will have access to electronics for exactly one hour during his school day, just like Ben does at school. The other hours, he will work on his homework, exercise with me since he won't be doing gym class, do art projects, whatever else we can think of to keep his mind and body active. And he'll have his hour of tutoring. 

I just didn't see this coming. I have to give it to my kids-- they keep coming up with new and crazy things that I have to research and learn about and advocate for and love them through. Alex affectionately calls me his "Research Whore." Fourteen years ago, I never could have dreamed up all the things the kids have encountered in their short lives that I have had to get a crash course in, as fast as possible, in order to help them thrive. I don't know if there are any kiddos out there that are just living life normally, without a big to-do, just being kids, but mine certainly aren't. They have come up with the craziest, scariest accidents, the most complex diagnoses, the most mysterious of ailments...I always say they keep my busy. No doubt.

As my heart breaks for Jonah who can't officially join in the milestone that is three days away for Ben, I'm trying to let myself be excited and nervous for the other three who do start going to school over the next week. It's hard to feel separate things for each kiddo when the things I'm feeling are so big. I'm so happy and excited and nervous for this new beginning for three of my kids, but I'm so sad for Jonah. And worried about him. And anxious about what is causing his medical problems.

I never thought this would happen-- where one of my kids can't function at school. Friends and family have supported me, reminding me that if this is what is best for Jonah right now, then we're absolutely doing the right thing. And that he will thrive back in his "normal" life, once we figure out how to help him medically. This is absolutely true, and I know completely and absolutely that the decision to have Jonah tutored at home right now is the right one. The only one. I've lived the last two months along side him, and I know he can't function in normal life at the moment. But you never want your babies to suffer in any way- emotional, mental, or physical. So I'm trying to grasp at anything that I think will help our boy heal and get back to what we thought his life would look like as this new school year ramps up. 

Keep us in your hearts. Maybe then mine will be less heavy.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Bubbling Back

Over the weekend, I took a couple classes with Young Living essential oils. I learned how to do Vitaflex, which uses specific points on your feet to help your whole body feel better. Think reflexology. I also learned how to do the Raindrop Massage. You apply certain oils in a specific order to the back, dropping them like raindrops along the spine. Then you do a series of light massage techniques to spread the goodness of the oils to every body part, every organ, every cell of the body, in order to help the body detoxify. It's powerful and amazing. I was really excited to learn these techniques, so I have more tools to help my family, but also friends and clients who are interested in more ways to promote health.

For some reason, throughout the weekend I was just in a bit of a funk. Things were hard for me to handle, on many levels. I felt like the whole world was energetically wonky. It was very strange. I kept telling myself it was because I was learning something that is outside my comfort zone, with a group of people I don't know well. Maybe that was it. I decided to just chalk my weird vibes up to a learning experience that was making me stretch and grow.

Since finding out several weeks ago that I have yet another health problem to tackle--high prolactin from my pituituary gland, hormone problems, DEATH of ovaries, menopause, etc., I've been through the wringer. I won't lie- it's been really hard. I've gone off a medication that I was on to treat anxiety because the endocrinologist thinks perhaps the medication was messing with my pituitary gland. That alone was enough to send me over the edge because of the withdrawal symptoms. I wanted to die. Literally. I wanted to be put into a medically-induced coma. I know it sounds dramatic, but wow, I'm not even exaggerating. It's been excruciating. If you Google "withdrawal symptoms from Pristiq," I had every single one of those symptoms. Really severely. The nausea and chills and brain fog were something I've had with my mold toxicity and Lyme, so that was no big deal. But the brain zaps. Good lord. I felt like I was having electrical shocks in my brain every 2 seconds, and then it got to where every time my brain got a shock, it felt like someone kicked my stomach on the inside. I do not know of any reason under the sun that a human should be taking a medicine that causes this reaction when they stop taking it. I can't believe that other humans, calling themselves "doctors," put people on medicines that cause such drastic negative changes to their brain's anatomy. I can't understand it at all. 

I'm not anti-medication at ALL. You know that. Some meds are necessary for survival. But there are some meds that are safer than others. When I've told the kids' psychiatrist and other doctors that I've had trouble getting off of Pristiq, they nod and say that's one of the three worst medications to get off of. Seriously! Then why are people on these three medications? I wasn't dying of anxiety when my doctor put me on this med. I wasn't in need of psychiatric care. I wasn't unable to function. I just needed a little medicinal help to handle the stress of life, my kids with special needs, etc. Looking back, I know I was actually suffering from Lyme and mold toxicity, which can cause anxiety. But why was I put on this horrible medication? I don't get it. I can see if it's a last resort and there's nothing left to try and someone is in crisis. Then, maybe, it's ok to put them on this med and try to help them. But not in a mild case like mine.

I think I've come through the worst of the withdrawal. I have frequent, mild brain zaps that kick me from the inside out while my brain is momentarily electrocuted, and I have trouble dealing with my anger, but other than that I feel a little better. My family could argue that I'm irritable. And crabby. But this is a major physical change, people! I'm not perfect. My brain has to heal and reform pathways and learn how to deal with the raw-ness of life.

That reminds me. The only good thing about dealing with all this withdrawal crap is that now I feel like I truly understand what it's like to have Sensory Processing Disorder. I have felt like my nervous system is living outside of my skin ever since I went off my medicine. It's pretty excruciating at times. Every single little thing is an irritant. Noise, smell, touch, taste, light, It can be very overwhelming. So no wonder I'm a little more touchy than I used to be. I feel completely raw and exposed to stimuli. I feel so badly for anyone who has to deal with SPD. I understand it on a whole new level. Maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn from this detox thing: what it's like to be inside my children's bodies. I don't like it.

Since finding out about my next set of health problems, I haven't felt very loving towards my body. This body that keeps betraying me. Mold that lives in me and makes me sick that my body can't get rid of on it's own. Lyme, anyone? Let's get ill every time we eat gluten, just to make life more interesting. Let's have some candida overgrowth. Oh, and how about those shriveled-up-little-raisins I get to call ovaries? Stellar job keeping those puppies alive, Body. Awesome job. Maybe we'll just send our pituitary gland into overdrive too, and wonk everything up in our entire body. We don't have enough going on. What's next?

I know I've been trying to punish my body during the past few weeks. I also know that's really stupid. But that's on a cognitive level. On an emotional/reactionary/subconscious level, I'm really sick and tired of this stupid body and how no matter what I do to take care of it, it keeps betraying me. Stupid stupid stupid. So part of me doesn't want to take care of it, and just wants to do whatever I want to do, and see what my body does then. Because when I take all my supplements, and don't eat sugar or dairy or gluten, and try to exercise as much as my frail sick inflamed body will allow, and get therapy, and do yoga and PT and see the chiropractor and get Reiki, and take Epsom salt baths, and stretch and drink water, and use essential oils, and whatever else I'm forgetting that I do to take care of myself, my body says,

"Meh. Not enough. We've got more crap to give you. Take THIS new problem!!"

It's hard to stay positive when this keeps happening. So during the past weeks, I've purposely eaten gluten. AND dairy and sugar. Lots of sugar. And I've felt physically terrible because of it. But I feel terrible all the time, so who cares? I know I'm not helping my body by giving it crap instead of nutrients, but I'm so mad at it sometimes. I try to be a good person, inside and out, and this is what I get. A body that's all crazy inside. So annoying.

Yesterday, I learned the Raindrop Massage technique. During the class, I facilitated two massages and received one. I asked to be the last person in our team to receive one, because I knew I was going to feel terrible afterwards. Raindrop detoxes you on such a deep level, I knew it was going to kick me in the butt. An Epsom salt bath makes me feel completely ill, and I knew this massage is even more powerful. So my team graciously let me go last as a receiver. While I was on the table, my team kept asking me how I was doing and if I was ok. I felt a little warmth on my back, but nothing terrible or uncomfortable. But I knew something was up.

After the massage, one of my teammates showed me a picture she had taken of my back during the massage. Normally during a Raindrop, healthy people's backs turn a lovely shade of pink. People who have more toxins turn a little bit more red, because the toxins are coming out as the massage continues. My back turned beet red, people. BEET. And the instructor said there were little raised bumps too. That means MAJOR TOXINS. Major. It's all good. You want the toxins to come out, not stay in.  That's the whole point of a Raindrop. I knew that would happen, I knew I would feel terrible, and I knew that was good. I wanted all of that to happen.

But seeing my back all beet red in the picture, and feeling the heat coming off my skin, and being able to actually see how toxic my body really is...that was hard on me. I try to just fake life sometimes. Fake that I'm actually fine and healthy. Fake that I can eat gluten. Fake that I'm not a hot mess inside and out. Fake that I'm not chock full of toxins that have accumulated over years and years. So to have physical evidence right in front of me in the form of a picture of my red back...that was a hard pill to swallow. That showed me how sick my body really is. I'm so mad at it for betraying me and being weak and sick, and frankly I don't want to love it and take care of it anymore. I want it to suck it up and move on and just be healthy again.

That picture after the Raindrop gave me physical evidence as to how much my body is suffering. It has made me think. I have known I need to care for myself. I just haven't wanted to. But as I came home from the class yesterday and proceeded to feel completely horribly sick and miserable- all things I expected and wanted because that's my body's way of detoxing- I started to try to reshape how I feel about my body. I tried to think about why I should love it unconditionally. I thought about why I need to protect it and adore it like it was my child. Or my friend or client I'm doing Reiki on. Or my husband, the love of my life. I know I need to
nurture and cherish my body, and I always do try to. But I say in my head "I hate my fat, inflamed hands. I hate my dusty old ovaries. I hate I hate I hate."

I know each word I think or say has an energetic frequency that changes my body and my world. So when I think negative things, it's just not good. For me or the world. When I think positive things, those thoughts have a higher vibration, which raises my energetic level and the vibrational level of the world around me too. So I know I'm supposed to think good thoughts. But knowing and doing are two different things. I guess I need more than just knowing. I needed to feel compassion for my body and all it's dealing with. I have no problem at all feeling compassion and empathy for anyone else in the world. But when it comes to myself, I'm bitter and resentful about my shortcomings and illness and weaknesses.

Seeing my back in the picture made my body seem sort of third-person. Like it was someone else lying on that massage table with toxins leaking and bubbling out of their body. It was proof to me that my body is suffering. It's needy and not in great health and just needs some love and all the good things I can give it. I needed to see my body as I would see a friend's. I would give my right toe to help a friend in need. Or maybe even an arm. I would wrack my brain, trying to find ways to help them. I would do anything for them. But I didn't see my own self that way until yesterday, when I saw the picture of my body lying on the table, suffering. Then things started to shift for me.

Healthy people typically feel relaxed and clean from inside to outside after a Raindrop. They feel refreshed and new after this massage. The Raindrop releases any little toxic things they may have going on, and readies their body for whatever it may face next. My reaction is not typical, because I'm pretty clogged up and sick inside. Today, I feel a little better physically. After a good bath or Raindrop, I need a lot of sleep and a lot of water and then I start to feel better. So I do feel better. But I still struggle with my body. Today I thought, what if instead of pretending my body is fine and filling it with crap (like cookies) because I think it should be able to deal with it, what if I treated it with utmost kindness. What if I pretended it was healthy in the opposite way, and instead of treating it like crap because it should be able to deal with it, I made it exercise a little more and not worry about what could happen if I overdo it. What if I just go completely crazy with healthy foods and fill my body up with totally insanely healthy things all the time. What if I just get back on board this crazy Body Train that keeps derailing, and just keep going. Just keep fighting and trying to heal. Sometimes I just want a break from it all. It's exhausting and depressing and annoying and maddening. Just when I think I've got my body under control I find out about a new problem. But maybe it's time to stop being mad at my body and start shifting my focus back to loving it. I was doing that, but then I got a whole new set of challenges to deal with and I gave up and was mean to my body for a few weeks. Maybe it's time to change back to love again.

Because you can't see inside your body, it's easy to pretend hard enough- so hard that you actually begin to believe- that you are ok. You can't SEE the mold. You can't SEE what the gluten is doing to your intestines (although you can definitely feel it!). So if you can't see it, it must not be real. Gluten intolerance must be fake. Mold toxicity, fake. Pituitary gland all crazy, fake.

Seeing a picture of my body, lying on that massage table, with toxins leaking and bubbling out of my skin...that was powerful. That was powerful. If I can see myself from more of an outside view, maybe I can love and take care of myself more. The way I would a friend or loved one.

I don't know why I still have that wonky feeling that all the energy of the world is 'off,' but maybe it's just because things inside me are shifting and changing. I never want to stop growing and learning. This weekend I learned some powerful techniques to help other people. I also saw how much my own body needs my full attention and love. If I could give myself a Raindrop every day, I would. I saw and felt, firsthand, how incredible those oils and this massage technique can be. Crazy stuff.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Ovarian Retirement

A couple years ago, I read the book "Bloom" by Kelle Hampton. It chronicles the birth of her daughter who has Down Syndrome, and the first year that taught Kelle how to live and love in the world of special needs. In her book, Kelle talks a lot about her circle of friends. Friends who drop everything to be there for you. Friends who show up when your house isn't clean and bring breakfast and make you coffee and don't care that you're in your pj's in the middle of the afternoon. Friends who circle their wagons and help you get through the toughest parts of your life.

I longed for friends like this.

I wondered how you collect friends like this.

I yearned for friends like this.

I have amazing friends, and I always have. But at the time I read this book, all my soul sisters lived too far away to show up in person when I was struggling. My counselor told me to just be who I am, and people will be attracted to my energetic vibration, and the right people will come into my life.

I'm all about energy and high vibrations. I know, many are skeptical, but frankly that's your problem, not mine. Skeptics are missing out on the magic of life. I love all things alternative and holistic and energetic and "voodoo," as my husband calls them. It's just who I am and who I've always supposed to be.

So a couple years ago, I just started to let my life light shine. I was who I was. I love who and what I love. I am who I am. I try to make the world a better place every single day, in big ways and teensy ways. I live in hope and gratitude. I believe in peace and beauty and kindness and generosity and honesty.

It's remarkable to see who was drawn into my life over the past few years. Friends who have enriched my life in so many countless ways, I'm in awe that I have been given the gift of knowing them. It's shocking to me how blessed I am.

The past three weeks, I've needed this group of friends. I've been dealing with a lot, and I don't know how I would have gotten to where I am now without my soul sisters from far and wide. Thank you for the hugs in parking lots, the hugs in grocery stores and nail salons and restaurants and the dance studio. Thank you for the virtual hugs from all across the world. Thank you.

I have a list of crazy health issues a mile long. I have gone to my general practitioner year after year, and her advice was to take better care of myself. Stretch. Drink water. Do yoga. Get a counselor. And definitely increase your anti-anxiety meds.

Those are all wonderful words of wisdom. If you're not me. And if you don't have serious health problems that the doctor is ignoring and letting you suffer with every minute of every day. For years and years and years. So I started my own journey of digging for my truth. I went to various doctors of various specialties. I was told I had arthritis. I was told I was fine. I was told I had Irritable Bowl Syndrome and anxiety and inflammation for some unknown reason. I was told a whole bunch of bologna. But I kept digging because I knew these poor "doctors" didn't know any better and were doing the best they could and were totally wrong. I kept digging.

In December of 2014, I found out I have Lyme disease and Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome, or mold toxicity. I also found out I have a ton more syndromes that explain all my symptoms. I was terrified and relieved. Finally, some real answers.

Since I look and act "normal," I've had to deal with disbelievers. Those people who don't think I'm sick because I don't act or look sick. I know it's hard to believe, but some people work really super crazy hard to function normally despite their medical problems. I think I deserve an Oscar, thank you very much. My kids need me, my husband needs me, my dogs need to be walked, the world keeps spinning and I decided to just get up and do every day the best I can. Some days are better than others, but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving through life. I try to be grateful for the billions of awesome things in my life, and I try not to dwell on the health battle I'm fighting. Some days are easier than others.

I've been focusing, with every cell in my body, on getting better. It's so slow. Progress with these diseases is so slow, if there is any progress at all. Sometimes there are major setbacks. Many times I feel like what's the point? I'm not ever going to be who I was before I got so sick. But after I wallow a little, I get out of bed and start trekking again. I was given this life for a reason and I'm not going to waste it.

I went to my "doctor" a few months ago for a physical. It was sort of my last ditch effort to let my "doctor" prove herself and her "science" to me. She failed miserably. I told her what I have learned about my health over the past year, the diseases I'm facing. She said there seems to be something we're missing, did more blood work (which I told her would all come back negative because it's the blood work that all "doctors" have done on me and nothing shows up, but she did it anyway) and guess what it showed? Nothing. Apparently I'm fine.

I'm also done. Done with this doctor.

So. I'm going to disclose a little TMI here. Prepare yourselves. If you don't want to know, don't read it. I won't be offended. I won't even know, actually. As I said to a new friend last week, there really is no such thing as TMI for me. You can ask me anything, I will talk about anything, nothing is off limits as long as we're helping each other figure out life. So there's your warning.

Since Ella was born almost 7 years ago, my cycles have been bonkers. Actually, non-existent. My "doctor" said it was because I was using birth control pills and not to worry. Stretch more. Reduce stress. Get a counselor. Done, done, and done. Still was worried. I know that lack of cycles can be normal when you're on the pill, but I just had a feeling something was up. But I believed my "doctor" when she said I was fine.

Fast forward to 3 years ago. I told my "doctor" that I really thought I was going through menopause. I had lots of wacky symptoms. I still wasn't getting my period. She said...see if you can guess. DRINK MORE WATER! GET MORE SLEEP! REDUCE YOUR STRESS LEVEL!
does she not understand that the only way to reduce my extreme amount of stress is to not have my four children who have special needs???

She actually laughed at me, said a 36 year old can't go through menopause, and upped my anti-anxiety med.


So here we are a couple months ago. I see a dietician who uses "alternative" ways of finding out what supplements my body needs based on muscle testing. We talked about how I'd been on the pill so long in my life time that maybe I should try to get off of it because it can really have yucky ramifications for your body long-term. So I January I stopped taking birth control.

I'm waiting....I'm waiting...still no period. Everyone tries to calm my nerves by saying that when you get off the pill it takes a few months for your body to reset itself, hormonally. Not to worry.

Three weeks ago I decided to start worrying. I went to my OB. She ran blood tests. She said it would be very unusual to be going through menopause at 39.

The OB called the next day. She said my hormones were all wonky (my word, not hers) and she wanted more blood tests. Also my prolactin level was high, which is abnormal.

I immediately consulted Dr. Google. I found out prolactin is made by your pituitary gland. This gland controls pretty much everything in your body, and if it's out of whack that's really not great. High prolactin can be caused by a pituitary tumor, usually benign. These tumors can usually be treated with medication to reduce their size and their negative effect on the body. So you know, not horrible-I'm-dying news, but not the best thing to find out either.

I got more blood work done at the OB. She got the results and wanted to talk to me in person. In the meantime, a soul sista had given me the name of her endocrinologist and I had an appointment with him.

As an aside, anyone ever noticed how super-crazy-brilliant doctors have very crappy social skills? And horrible fashion sense? Years ago when Alex had his appendix out, I told him my theory about doctors: if they show up with just terrible fashion sense, you can trust them with your life because that means they're insanely awesome doctors. Anyway, the doctors that the kids and I see who have really problematic social skills are always the ones who get the best results for us. I think you can't be both. You have to let your brain live up to it's full awesome-istic potential and let it win, or ignore that brilliance and become a socially acceptable human with passing social skills.

The endocrinologist met with me. He said the anti-anxiety med that my "doctor" kept increasing has been known to affect the pituitary gland and cause hormone problems. So he wants me to get off the medication, spend 5 weeks off of it, then come back for more blood work to see if the problem was just the medication, or if I need an MRI to diagnose a pituitary tumor.

Fun times.

In the meantime, I saw my OB to chat about my impending menopause. She was very serious. She said she was shocked at my results. Not only was I in menopause, but I was so far IN that I have ovarian failure. No, let's say that ovarian FAILURE. My ovaries have FAILED. They are shriveled up dead little raisins now, apparently. The OB said if I wanted to get pregnant and went to a fertility specialist, they would be sad for me because there are no more eggs left. I would need an egg donor.  She kept saying she was shocked at these results. She was not expecting them at all. I asked her where do we go from here. She said I have to start taking birth control pills again to give my body a low dose of estrogen. She said most women will spend about 30 years in menopause. I will spend about 60. SIXTY YEARS IN MENOPAUSE, PEOPLE. SIXTY. The OB said it's not a choice, I absolutely have to be on the pill for at least the next few years. I asked her about the negative side effects of birth control, having been on the pill for so many years already. She said if I had not taken the pill all those years, I wouldn't have my babies. The pill saved my eggs so I could have babies.

I wouldn't have my babies.

It was my turn to be shocked. A choice that I casually made -to be on birth control- so that I could control when I had babies turned out to be the life changing decision that has given me my four children.

Shocked. The doctor and I were both shocked.

Ovarian failure. What the heck, ovaries?!? Why are you checking out on me?? I am totally done having babies, this isn't about babies. It's about my body, yet again, failing me, and yet again no doctors figure it out until I go pounding on a million Doctor Doors asking for help.

I had to get off my medication. I asked my "doctor" if she could just give me a lower dose to start weaning off of it. She refused, and said I had to come see her in person. So at 7 am on a Saturday, I went in. I was sweaty with dread because I knew I had to talk to her about her lack of doctor-y-ness and the fact that she failed me for years and years.

She is a lovely person, my "doctor." I would love to be friends with her in real life. I just feel sorry for her because her head is so far stuck into the box of mainstream medicine that she can't see when there is a patient right in front of her who is truly suffering with real health problems. It's very sad.

My "doctor" started launching in to her spiel about just whatever she always talks about. Stretch, water, blah blah blah. Finally, I stopped her and tried to explain to her my Journey of Doctors over the past few years. I told her how frustrating and scary it is to know that doctors, who are supposed to know more than I do and are supposed to help me, have failed me time and time again. I know they all do the best they can, but their best let me live, sick and suffering, for way longer than I should have.

My "doctor" had a "reason" for all her decisions regarding my medical care. It was a bunch of crap. She would still be relying on those stupid blood tests that said I'm fine, if I hadn't brought in all the blood tests from all the doctors I've seen and the unending list of all my symptoms. Done. I'm so done with her.

So I'm weaning off this horrible medication so I can see if I have a brain tumor. super awesome. My "doctor" said the problem with this medication is that many people do really well with it, but it's virtually impossible to come off of. So, do we think we should be putting humans on synthetic medications that are virtually impossible to stop taking? Had she told me this when she first put me on it, I would have said no thank you ma'am. I'm fine being just an anxious ball of nerves because of my extreme level of stress.

As of today I'm off the medication totally. The doctor said some people who are withdrawing from it have "zingers" where they experience electrical shocks down their arms, fun things like that. I'm not having that. I'm having what feels like an electrical storm in the privacy of my brain. I feel like my poor little brain is being shocked over and over and over all day and night. I feel nauseated. I can't make decisions. I have a headache the size of Montana. My brain refuses to function. My vision is all wonky. I feel super crabby and snippy and short-tempered. Me! I know, surprising, right? (Don't answer that, Alex. That is a rhetorical question for people who only see me out in the world where I have my makeup on and my "I'm Fine" Face on.) This is a little piece of hell, going off this medication. Hell. I can't imagine what the med was doing to my brain while I was on it, if this is how I'm feeling getting off of it.

So the past couple weeks have been emotionally draining for me. I find out I'm in menopause. I have ovarian FAILURE. I may have a brain tumor. I'm dealing with serious withdrawal symptoms. ugh.

Oh, and I'm going to milk that brain tumor for all it's worth, if I do end up having one.

I'm sorry, I can't do the dishes tonight because I have a brain tumor.

Nope, can't take out the garbage because I have brain tumor.

Sorry, didn't mean to swear at you for being a stupid human, I have a brain tumor.

I think I'll have a shirt made with the logo: Pardon my insanity, I have a brain tumor. And a sticker for my car too: Brain Tumor On Board.

Gotta get some use out of it, right? And who knows, maybe it's just this stupid medicine.

All of this news left me reeling. I thought I was making progress with all my other health issues, and wham! More to figure out and deal with. When does it stop? What else in my body is FAILING me?

Alex asked me, in a very sensitive, sincere way, why it's hard to deal with the news about my menopause and ovaries if I didn't want any more kids anyway. I had actually been trying to figure that out myself. It's just a shock, I guess. You don't know what's going on in your body and then all of a sudden you find out that -only because YOU yourself kept demanding answers- your body is just not what you thought it was. My friend, Lisa, put it the exactly perfect way. She said, "Who comes up with these names? Tell your ovaries they are not a failure, they gave you 4 great kids and that's a lot more than most ovaries can say! They are amazing, they did their job and now it's time for them to retire. How about ovarian retirement instead of failure?" Love this girl.

Yes. This is the sort of soul sister I have the pleasure of having in my life now. Ovarian retirement. I love it. I guess it's just hard to know your body is "FAILING." On whatever level. Something isn't working right and it's failing. I hate failing. At anything. Even ovaries. I don't fail at ovaries!!

But apparently I do. Who knew. There is a history of crazy things happening to women in my family in regards to hormones and babies and things, so I guess it's just getting more pronounced as the generations go on. My OB told me to make sure Ella knows that if she wants to have babies, she has to do it early. How horrible is that? You have to make sure your daughter knows that she doesn't have time, like most women do. She has pressure to make decisions about her babies and if and when to have them. Sorry, Ella. My failing ovaries have failed you too.

Trying to find the positive inside my noisy, electric-shock brain. I can't believe how blessed and lucky I am to have the four babies I have. I thank God for them a million times every day. And I am beyond grateful to my family and friends for being there for me. Through everything, always. I know I have a strong circle of beautiful friend souls, just like I read about in that book years ago. I can't even begin to express how much you all mean to me. I am beyond blessed.

Alex said I found out about all this hormone-menopause-no-eggs-left-possible-tumor because I did what I always do- for the kids and for me- I just kept digging. I didn't think the answers I was getting were correct, so I kept searching. Knowing is always better than not knowing. I can't encourage you enough to follow your gut, follow your heart, find the answers you deserve if you feel like you don't have them yet. One thing I've learned is that no one is going to hand you the answers to your own mysteries. You have to be your own advocate, you have to search tirelessly, you have to ask so many questions and have so many people think you're insane. But if you do that, you'll find what you're looking for. And then you can blame everything on your possible brain tumor.

I wonder if I can get a parking sticker for a brain tumor...


Monday, April 18, 2016

Attack Of The Mud Puddle

I'm sorry, Philippe. I had no idea what a pain in the butt I was being when I decided it would be great fun to spend an African rainy season afternoon playing in mud puddles. When I say "playing," I mean sitting in mud, squishing the mud all over my little self, rolling in it, digging in it, pretending it was playdoh, really really embedding it into every fiber of my clothing.

Sorry. I didn't know what a horrific pain it is to get that much mud out of clothes. But now I do and I hope you'll forgive me.

Philippe was an African man who helped out at our boarding school in Africa. He cleaned, washed floors, did all the laundry for the kids who lived there. Another African man, Jean, was our cook. These two men were a constant presence in my life from the time I was 7 years old until we left Africa for good when I was 13.

I was reminded of my puddle-jumping days recently because of my twins and their shenanigans on a freezing, rainy, muddy day.

The boys had a friend over. When they are with this friend, they do not make particularly great decisions. They asked if they could go to the nearby park and hit some golf balls. I said sure, that's fine. (I didn't know how the baseball field had been turned into a gigantic pit of quick sand because of the rain.) I figured the boys would be close to home, how much trouble could they possibly get into?

The answer to that question should always be: LOTS.

I got a call from Jonah. He asked if I could come and pick him up. I asked why couldn't he just walk home? He said because he was all muddy because he had "accidentally" hit a ball into the baseball field (aka pit of quicksand), thought he could go in and get it, and had fallen in and gotten all muddy. I said fine, I'd come and pick him up. When I pulled up he was pretty dirty. He needed new shoes, new pants, everything was full of mud. I was a little irritated but I immediately had a flashback to walking into the laundry room of my boarding school, CAKED in African mud, looking sheepishly at Philippe who would have to figure out how to get the layers of mud out of my clothes. There weren't any stores there like there are here, so we couldn't just go buy new clothes. My parents shipped barrels out every two years, full of the things our family would need for the next two years. Mom had to calculate how many sizes of shoes and clothes my brother and I would need for two years, what we would want for the next two Christmases and was crazy. So I figured I couldn't be too upset with Jonah since I have also had plenty of mud fun in my life.

I could tell Jonah was terrified that I'd be furious. He was so surprised that I was calm - and not just faking it either. I just said let's go home and get you changed. Don't go in the baseball diamond quicksand anymore please.

Jonah walked back to the park after he got cleaned up.

A little while later, I got a call from the boys' friend. He said Ben couldn't talk, because he was stuck in the mud and couldn't get out. Hm, what now? I asked to talk to Ben. The friend said he really couldn't talk because he was stuck out in the mud. I said put the phone on speaker. So Ben and I yelled back and forth to each other on speaker. Pretty humorous.

Here's what I could understand from my silly, terrified son. A golf ball had, once again, gone into the quicksand. The dirt looked sturdy, like you could stand on it. So Ben had thought he could sneak in and grab the ball and then just pop back to the side of the grass. Wrong.

Ben's boots were stuck in the mud and he couldn't get them out. I kept yelling over speaker phone "Just pull your foot up!!" And he kept yelling that he couldn't!

Finally, I said hold on. I'm coming over. As I drove over to the park to retrieve yet another muddy son, I saw Jonah walking toward me. On this bitter, dreary day, he wasn't wearing his coat! I was getting more and more irritated. Then I saw Ben, wandering hopelessly and forlornly after his brother. Ben didn't have his boots on. In one hand, he was holding a sock that was drenched in wet, squelchy mud. One foot was totally barefoot, probably getting frostbitten. His other foot held his other sock, muddy and sticky, making mud prints with every slow, awkward step. Ben looked absolutely pathetic and broken. He was hobbling down the sidewalk slowly, knowing he was probably going to meet his death when his Mama saw him. I drove over to the side of the road, rolled down the window, and yelled "Jonah! Why isn't your coat on?? And Ben! What the heck?? Where are your boots? Why are you barefoot in the freezing cold??"

The boys came to the car, tears rolling down Ben's frozen cheeks. I felt his sorrow in the depths of my soul. He was so apologetic, and he was so sad that he had made such a bad choice and now his boots were stuck in the quicksand mud puddle of a baseball diamond, and we'd have to buy new ones, and he felt so badly. And he was very worried I was going to be furious. I actually had to stop myself from chuckling. This whole crazy afternoon was just too funny. I was mostly mad that the boys weren't dressed well enough to stay warm and take care of their bodies. They're sick enough as it is, we don't need to send Illness an official invitation to come and have a party!

Jonah said he let Ben wear his coat because Ben was so cold from being barefoot after losing his boots. That made my heart grow three sizes, like the Grinch at the end of the movie. Even when we have crazy disasters and everything is Chaos with a capital 'C', my boys take care of each other.

I told Ben I was taking him home and he was go to get in the shower and warm up immediately. Jonah took his coat back and he and I went to the park. Ben had said there was no way to get his boots back, they'd be stuck there until spring. I said nope. Mama is on the case and I'm not letting those darn boots get stolen so that I'd have to buy new ones, because we need to buy 4 pairs of boots every single winter and that costs a lot of money and I'm not buying you another pair. So we're going to go dig out the boots from the mud.

Jonah and I squished over to the baseball field. I had jumped in the car so fast I hadn't thought about wearing my own boots, so gooey mud was seeping in the holes on the sides of my sneakers. Blegh. We stopped at the side of the baseball diamond. I could see how the boys had thought the mud was hard dirt, and would be fine to walk on, because it did actually appear that way. But once you touched a toe to the dirt, you realized it was going to suck you right in and not let you out. I gingerly stepped into the quicksand, imagining I was wearing light snow shoes that would let me just spring right out of this mud puddle after I retrieved Ben's boots. I squished to where the boots were stuck several inches in the mud. I pulled on one. I wiggled it from side to side. When the mud finally let go and the boot popped to freedom, I fell backwards with the force and almost sat down in the mud. I started to giggle, with muddy childhood memories flooding my brain.

I tried not to laugh, because when I laugh in situations like these, my kids laugh, and then we're all so funny to each other that none of us can stop laughing. So I stifled my chortles. I started pulling on the second boot. I could NOT get that thing out of the mud! I was determined not to have to buy Ben a new pair of boots, so I kept wiggling and pulling side to side. I started chuckling, thinking about poor Philippe, with a pile of muddy missionary kid clothes filling his laundry room. I remember vividly slopping a little blue pail back and forth as I skipped with my friends from one puddle to the next, looking for worms. We'd find the worms in the puddle, scoop the up by the handfuls, and put them in our bucket so we could watch them and wonder what it's like to be a worm.

Jonah heard me start to laugh. He started to laugh too. I yelled "I CANNOT GET THIS BOOT OUT!!!" Especially when I was laughing so hard. Jonah cheered from the sidelines "Just keep PULLING, MOM!!!"

Finally I got the mud to loosen its hold on my boy's boot. I felt like my feet were stuck in the brown goo, and I was laughing so I wasn't feeling very strong and focused, but I finally wiggled out of the sludge. We put Ben's boots in the back of the car and drove home. Jonah asked, in wonder, why I was laughing so much. I told him I just remember the look on Philippe's face when I brought my muddy clothes to him, and here I am, with two boys of my own, full of mud. Karma, baby. It just reminded me of rainy season and puddles and my friends and the boarding school and beautiful Africa. And a ball of slimy gross worms in between my little-girl hands. There's really nothing better than a mud puddle, I still feel that way. I just can't always let my kids see how I feel about things like that because I'd never hear the end of it, AND they would think I was encouraging mud puddle play. Which, if it happens is fine, but I'd still rather not have to scrub mud out of every piece of clothing.

That night, Ben and Jonah kept checking to make sure I wasn't furious with them for their poor choices regarding The Attack Of The Mud Puddle. They were so surprised that they weren't in trouble. I had them clean off their boots and golf clubs, take showers and warm up, and bring their muddy clothes to the laundry room. After that, what's the big deal? I asked them. It's just mud. Yes, it's a hassle to clean up, and it was pretty dramatic- being stuck in that big mud puddle, but it's no big deal. Jonah kept telling the family that "Mama was LAUGHING when she was pulling out Ben's boots! She said she LIKES mud puddles because they're FUN!"

I think it's hilarious when the kids get a glimpse of my fun, childlike side, and realize that sometimes even grownups can be giggly in a mud puddle.