For some reason, throughout the weekend I was just in a bit of a funk. Things were hard for me to handle, on many levels. I felt like the whole world was energetically wonky. It was very strange. I kept telling myself it was because I was learning something that is outside my comfort zone, with a group of people I don't know well. Maybe that was it. I decided to just chalk my weird vibes up to a learning experience that was making me stretch and grow.
Since finding out several weeks ago that I have yet another health problem to tackle--high prolactin from my pituituary gland, hormone problems, DEATH of ovaries, menopause, etc., I've been through the wringer. I won't lie- it's been really hard. I've gone off a medication that I was on to treat anxiety because the endocrinologist thinks perhaps the medication was messing with my pituitary gland. That alone was enough to send me over the edge because of the withdrawal symptoms. I wanted to die. Literally. I wanted to be put into a medically-induced coma. I know it sounds dramatic, but wow, I'm not even exaggerating. It's been excruciating. If you Google "withdrawal symptoms from Pristiq," I had every single one of those symptoms. Really severely. The nausea and chills and brain fog were something I've had with my mold toxicity and Lyme, so that was no big deal. But the brain zaps. Good lord. I felt like I was having electrical shocks in my brain every 2 seconds, and then it got to where every time my brain got a shock, it felt like someone kicked my stomach on the inside. I do not know of any reason under the sun that a human should be taking a medicine that causes this reaction when they stop taking it. I can't believe that other humans, calling themselves "doctors," put people on medicines that cause such drastic negative changes to their brain's anatomy. I can't understand it at all.
I'm not anti-medication at ALL. You know that. Some meds are necessary for survival. But there are some meds that are safer than others. When I've told the kids' psychiatrist and other doctors that I've had trouble getting off of Pristiq, they nod and say that's one of the three worst medications to get off of. Seriously! Then why are people on these three medications? I wasn't dying of anxiety when my doctor put me on this med. I wasn't in need of psychiatric care. I wasn't unable to function. I just needed a little medicinal help to handle the stress of life, my kids with special needs, etc. Looking back, I know I was actually suffering from Lyme and mold toxicity, which can cause anxiety. But why was I put on this horrible medication? I don't get it. I can see if it's a last resort and there's nothing left to try and someone is in crisis. Then, maybe, it's ok to put them on this med and try to help them. But not in a mild case like mine.
I think I've come through the worst of the withdrawal. I have frequent, mild brain zaps that kick me from the inside out while my brain is momentarily electrocuted, and I have trouble dealing with my anger, but other than that I feel a little better. My family could argue that I'm irritable. And crabby. But this is a major physical change, people! I'm not perfect. My brain has to heal and reform pathways and learn how to deal with the raw-ness of life.
That reminds me. The only good thing about dealing with all this withdrawal crap is that now I feel like I truly understand what it's like to have Sensory Processing Disorder. I have felt like my nervous system is living outside of my skin ever since I went off my medicine. It's pretty excruciating at times. Every single little thing is an irritant. Noise, smell, touch, taste, light, people...wow. It can be very overwhelming. So no wonder I'm a little more touchy than I used to be. I feel completely raw and exposed to stimuli. I feel so badly for anyone who has to deal with SPD. I understand it on a whole new level. Maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn from this detox thing: what it's like to be inside my children's bodies. I don't like it.
Since finding out about my next set of health problems, I haven't felt very loving towards my body. This body that keeps betraying me. Mold that lives in me and makes me sick that my body can't get rid of on it's own. Lyme, anyone? Let's get ill every time we eat gluten, just to make life more interesting. Let's have some candida overgrowth. Oh, and how about those shriveled-up-little-raisins I get to call ovaries? Stellar job keeping those puppies alive, Body. Awesome job. Maybe we'll just send our pituitary gland into overdrive too, and wonk everything up in our entire body. We don't have enough going on. What's next?
I know I've been trying to punish my body during the past few weeks. I also know that's really stupid. But that's on a cognitive level. On an emotional/reactionary/subconscious level, I'm really sick and tired of this stupid body and how no matter what I do to take care of it, it keeps betraying me. Stupid stupid stupid. So part of me doesn't want to take care of it, and just wants to do whatever I want to do, and see what my body does then. Because when I take all my supplements, and don't eat sugar or dairy or gluten, and try to exercise as much as my frail sick inflamed body will allow, and get therapy, and do yoga and PT and see the chiropractor and get Reiki, and take Epsom salt baths, and stretch and drink water, and use essential oils, and whatever else I'm forgetting that I do to take care of myself, my body says,
"Meh. Not enough. We've got more crap to give you. Take THIS new problem!!"
It's hard to stay positive when this keeps happening. So during the past weeks, I've purposely eaten gluten. AND dairy and sugar. Lots of sugar. And I've felt physically terrible because of it. But I feel terrible all the time, so who cares? I know I'm not helping my body by giving it crap instead of nutrients, but I'm so mad at it sometimes. I try to be a good person, inside and out, and this is what I get. A body that's all crazy inside. So annoying.
Yesterday, I learned the Raindrop Massage technique. During the class, I facilitated two massages and received one. I asked to be the last person in our team to receive one, because I knew I was going to feel terrible afterwards. Raindrop detoxes you on such a deep level, I knew it was going to kick me in the butt. An Epsom salt bath makes me feel completely ill, and I knew this massage is even more powerful. So my team graciously let me go last as a receiver. While I was on the table, my team kept asking me how I was doing and if I was ok. I felt a little warmth on my back, but nothing terrible or uncomfortable. But I knew something was up.
After the massage, one of my teammates showed me a picture she had taken of my back during the massage. Normally during a Raindrop, healthy people's backs turn a lovely shade of pink. People who have more toxins turn a little bit more red, because the toxins are coming out as the massage continues. My back turned beet red, people. BEET. And the instructor said there were little raised bumps too. That means MAJOR TOXINS. Major. It's all good. You want the toxins to come out, not stay in. That's the whole point of a Raindrop. I knew that would happen, I knew I would feel terrible, and I knew that was good. I wanted all of that to happen.
But seeing my back all beet red in the picture, and feeling the heat coming off my skin, and being able to actually see how toxic my body really is...that was hard on me. I try to just fake life sometimes. Fake that I'm actually fine and healthy. Fake that I can eat gluten. Fake that I'm not a hot mess inside and out. Fake that I'm not chock full of toxins that have accumulated over years and years. So to have physical evidence right in front of me in the form of a picture of my red back...that was a hard pill to swallow. That showed me how sick my body really is. I'm so mad at it for betraying me and being weak and sick, and frankly I don't want to love it and take care of it anymore. I want it to suck it up and move on and just be healthy again.
That picture after the Raindrop gave me physical evidence as to how much my body is suffering. It has made me think. I have known I need to care for myself. I just haven't wanted to. But as I came home from the class yesterday and proceeded to feel completely horribly sick and miserable- all things I expected and wanted because that's my body's way of detoxing- I started to try to reshape how I feel about my body. I tried to think about why I should love it unconditionally. I thought about why I need to protect it and adore it like it was my child. Or my friend or client I'm doing Reiki on. Or my husband, the love of my life. I know I need to
nurture and cherish my body, and I always do try to. But I say in my head "I hate my fat, inflamed hands. I hate my dusty old ovaries. I hate I hate I hate."
I know each word I think or say has an energetic frequency that changes my body and my world. So when I think negative things, it's just not good. For me or the world. When I think positive things, those thoughts have a higher vibration, which raises my energetic level and the vibrational level of the world around me too. So I know I'm supposed to think good thoughts. But knowing and doing are two different things. I guess I need more than just knowing. I needed to feel compassion for my body and all it's dealing with. I have no problem at all feeling compassion and empathy for anyone else in the world. But when it comes to myself, I'm bitter and resentful about my shortcomings and illness and weaknesses.
Seeing my back in the picture made my body seem sort of third-person. Like it was someone else lying on that massage table with toxins leaking and bubbling out of their body. It was proof to me that my body is suffering. It's needy and not in great health and just needs some love and all the good things I can give it. I needed to see my body as I would see a friend's. I would give my right toe to help a friend in need. Or maybe even an arm. I would wrack my brain, trying to find ways to help them. I would do anything for them. But I didn't see my own self that way until yesterday, when I saw the picture of my body lying on the table, suffering. Then things started to shift for me.
Healthy people typically feel relaxed and clean from inside to outside after a Raindrop. They feel refreshed and new after this massage. The Raindrop releases any little toxic things they may have going on, and readies their body for whatever it may face next. My reaction is not typical, because I'm pretty clogged up and sick inside. Today, I feel a little better physically. After a good bath or Raindrop, I need a lot of sleep and a lot of water and then I start to feel better. So I do feel better. But I still struggle with my body. Today I thought, what if instead of pretending my body is fine and filling it with crap (like cookies) because I think it should be able to deal with it, what if I treated it with utmost kindness. What if I pretended it was healthy in the opposite way, and instead of treating it like crap because it should be able to deal with it, I made it exercise a little more and not worry about what could happen if I overdo it. What if I just go completely crazy with healthy foods and fill my body up with totally insanely healthy things all the time. What if I just get back on board this crazy Body Train that keeps derailing, and just keep going. Just keep fighting and trying to heal. Sometimes I just want a break from it all. It's exhausting and depressing and annoying and maddening. Just when I think I've got my body under control I find out about a new problem. But maybe it's time to stop being mad at my body and start shifting my focus back to loving it. I was doing that, but then I got a whole new set of challenges to deal with and I gave up and was mean to my body for a few weeks. Maybe it's time to change back to love again.
Because you can't see inside your body, it's easy to pretend hard enough- so hard that you actually begin to believe- that you are ok. You can't SEE the mold. You can't SEE what the gluten is doing to your intestines (although you can definitely feel it!). So if you can't see it, it must not be real. Gluten intolerance must be fake. Mold toxicity, fake. Pituitary gland all crazy, fake.
Seeing a picture of my body, lying on that massage table, with toxins leaking and bubbling out of my skin...that was powerful. That was powerful. If I can see myself from more of an outside view, maybe I can love and take care of myself more. The way I would a friend or loved one.
I don't know why I still have that wonky feeling that all the energy of the world is 'off,' but maybe it's just because things inside me are shifting and changing. I never want to stop growing and learning. This weekend I learned some powerful techniques to help other people. I also saw how much my own body needs my full attention and love. If I could give myself a Raindrop every day, I would. I saw and felt, firsthand, how incredible those oils and this massage technique can be. Crazy stuff.
