Scary Teen Years

Once upon a time, I was terrified of having teenaged children. Before I had kids and when mine were little, I thought, “What in the world would I do with teenagers?? They’re so scary! They’re irritable, moody, I’m terrible at technology so I won’t be able to keep up with them, I don’t know anything about their world…I don’t know what I’ll do with teenagers.” I want to put all those Mama’s-of-youngsters minds at ease, because now I know that parenting through the teenaged years is one of the most enjoyable phases ever.

I wish I could go back and tell my younger Mama self not to be so worried. Everything is fine. Is it easy? Not usually. Is it fun? Sometimes. Is it challenging? Absolutely. But wow, is it amazing. Here’s why.

I always knew I was great at dealing with babies, toddlers, even school-aged kids. But my own experience as a teen was pretty rotten, so teenagers have always scared me. I know exactly what to do with younger kids. I can intuitively read them, I know their needs and how to provide for those needs. I worried that once my children turned into teenagers, they would somehow be like aliens from another planet and I would have no way to identify with or understand them. I realize this is an insane, unfounded fear, but that’s the nature of anxiety- it’s irrational.

I now have two 15 1/2-year-olds, so we’ve done the teenaged thing for a little while. And I can honestly say it’s as remarkable an experience to parent these teens as it was to parent my toddlers. Just like in the toddler phase, which was one of my favorites, every day for my teens brings new adventures, new insights, new growth in so many ways. Sure, new struggles are part of that as they learn to navigate the world in a more independent way, but it’s a gift to be able to watch my children use the sum total of everything we’ve ever learned together in order to be able to thrive in this new world of being a teen.

As I watch my teens, I’ve had an epiphany: I see how every day we’ve spent together, all the work Alex and I have put in, all the love and time and attention and understanding and compassion and empathy, all of that has led to today. All of that has brought us to where my boys are in life right now. Yes, we’ve had unique struggles because of our family’s special needs. But regardless, my kids age just like everyone else’s, and they turn into teenagers just like everyone else’s, and my hope for them is that they become happy, healthy adults, just like every other parent hopes for their kids.

I’ve had the rare opportunity to spend lots of one-on-one time with my teenagers these past few months. Because they have been getting a 5-week course of intense, daily treatment for their Lyme and PANDAS, I have been able to spend time with them that normally we wouldn’t get. The boys’ treatment was staggered, so there was a two-week overlap between them. The other three weeks of each boy’s treatment gave us lots of alone time. While it was overwhelming and scary and tiring to go through the treatment every day, not knowing what our outcome would be, I tried to focus on the little gift of time with my boys that this treatment was giving us.

Every day to and from treatment, the boy I traveled with would ask to listen to HIS music. I always agreed, because I want them to know I’m interested in their interests, I support them and like who they are, and I want to know things about them like what kind of music they like. It was interesting. Some of the music I had never heard of before. Some was pretty loud and annoying, but I took deep breaths and concentrated on how fascinating it was to be entrenched in my son’s world at that moment. I consciously recognized the beauty in being forced to get to know my boys a little bit better.

I have always loved how different my twins are. They are each unique, incredible souls, with different personalities and tastes. It was really fun to ride to and from treatment, first with Jonah for three weeks, then both boys for two weeks, then Ben for three weeks. It was fun to hang out with them. They were such troopers, dealing their picc lines and getting IV’s every single day for five weeks and having tutors every day. They showed true courage and resilience. They trusted that if I said this treatment could help them, that it was worth doing. They amaze me.

Sometimes on our treatment drives, the boys would talk to me. They usually tell me a lot about what’s going on in their lives, so this wasn’t unusual, but it was nice to have the time to sit and chat. They talked about all kinds of things, and I gave them space and listened, loving that they let me in to their worlds. I realized that this is why our teenaged years are going so differently than I expected them to. It’s because this is how I have always parented, and we have built a strong foundation. I try to emulate how my parents have always treated me: with deep love, respect, support, empathy, and compassion. When I talk with my Mom and Dad, I feel like they think I’m interesting and beautiful and amazing and talented. I always wanted my children to know that’s how I think of them. I cherish every miniscule detail about them, and I think they are the most brilliant, incredible, fascinating, stunning people on the planet. I knew that if they felt heard and loved at home through all the days of their childhood, then while I can’t control how the world treats them as they gain more independence, at least I know that I’ve shown them complete, honest, true love. And that is the most important thing any parent can do for their kids.

So to all those parents out there, parenting little people right now, worrying about the teen years that are looming, take a deep breath. It’s really not bad at all. The struggles are different, of course, but it is so beautiful to see your child blossom into their own person. It is so fun to see who they become. It is humbling to realize that every day that I have parented them has led to today, and today my teens are truly remarkable humans. They’re fun, witty, smart, politically savvy, kind, compassionate people that I enjoy spending time with.

When you’re in the thick of diapers and spit up, potty training and time outs, kindergarten and play dates, braces and anxiety, it’s very difficult to see the big picture. It’s hard to see that ultimately, you’re helping shape humans into who they will eventually become in the world. It’s a big responsibility, but one I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. I have been pleasantly surprised by our teen years so far. It’s a privilege to see the awesome people that all this parenting has to helped develop.